October 17, 2008

Woke up that morning and nothing seemed any different then any of previous mornings except I wasn't feeling all that great. I contributed it to being hormonal with the start of my cycle and for my very upset stomach! Went to work as usual and even came home and cleaned the house. Sometime between 9 and 10 pm, our world changed!

My precious child, even though your daddy and mommy did not even know you existed (although mommy had her suspicions) you were loved, and you were so very wanted! We did not know you were apart of our lives until it was too late. The day we found out about you was the day we lost you. I think that mommy and daddy cried more tears that night and the days that followed then we had our whole entire life before that night. And yet fours years later we still have tears for you! Tears that you would have been a June baby like your mommy! Tears that you would be three years old now! Tears of not knowing if you were a boy or a girl and not even being able to name you! Tears that the few weeks you were growing in mommy, we couldn't even talk to you and tell you we love you and were excited to have you!  Tears that we never got to hold you but please know that we hold you everyday in our hearts!

But we know that a tear has never fallen from your eyes. We want to say rest in peace but we know you already are, peace is all you have ever known. We can only imagine the peace that you experience everyday with our Lord and Savior! Peace that you do have your younger sibling living with you in Heaven too, that you two are not up there alone!  Mommy and daddy live with the peace of knowing we will finally get to hold you, kiss you and name you when we meet in Heaven!  We love you always! 

Joshua Blake Finch!!!

Reality still hasn't sunk in that we will be welcoming another little boy into this world in January!  You would think my huge belly would help reality set in, but it hasn't, lol! 
They say the second child is usually an easier baby, I am praying rigoriously that this is true :)  Nathan decided to start the terrible two's very early at 1 1/2, but that shouldn't have surprise us when the boy was walking at 9 months!  As Nathan's doctor said the other day, "Nathan is just a very determined little boy and will always be, but you as parents have to help him channel that determination into something positive!"  Can we say future President, lol!  We struggle with EVERYTHING with Nathan!  Trying new foods, diaper changes, baths (he is scared to death we are going to wash his hair), coming in after playing outside!  He will hit, slap, headbutt, throw himself on the ground and bang his head into the floor!  It's awful and I feel so bad for him because its the only way he knows how to communicate his desires.  Luckly the last few weeks things have gotten a little better!  He still has fits but they don't last as long and I can usually get his attention onto something else.  Bath time still isn't perfect but atleast he is getting cleaned at the moment!

Nathan keeps me so busy that there has been days that I haven't even felt Joshua moving.  When I lay down at night and realize I did not feel a kick all day it really scares me, but before falling asleep I usually get to finally feel him move for the day.  We can not wait to meet our new son Joshua and for Nathan to meet his little brother!  We have less than 15 weeks til my due date and we have yet to buy any of his furniture.  Only thing purchased so far is two newborn onesies.  His room has been painted but sits empty at the moment.  I know everything will be purchased before the time comes, but I will have to admit I am a little stressed that things haven't progressed faster for this impatient mommy to be :)  With Nathan we had his room ready to go before I was even 20 weeks pregnant, so I'm just trying to adjust to things being a lot slower this time around! 

I'm Back

Well, I just realized its been six months since my last post!  A lot has happened since then!  Nathan could not get any cuter and sweeter than he already is :)  Oh, he loves to give hugs, sweet kisses, blow kisses and can give you a look that melts your heart!!!  He plays so well by himself, mommy can actually get some things done around the house.  Although if you stop by it probably doesn't look like it, lol!  He is not a child of many words but he is jabbering up a storm.  He gets so into his jabber, its like he is really having a conversation.  TOO CUTE!!  He doesn't say much but he sure does understand most everything I say.  It makes things so much easier!  I can tell him its time to go "bye-bye" and he will go and get his own shoes and sit down to wait for me to put them on! He will even sometimes bring mommy hers too!  He is becoming SO independent.  We know talking is right around the corner and we can't wait!

Nick and Nathan on Father's day!

The boy simply loves being outside!  Our biggest tantrums are usually a result of not being able to go outside.  He loves being pulled in his wagon, riding in his cozy coupe and playing with his dog Shandi! 

And probably the biggest news we have is Nathan is going to be a BIG BROTHER!!!
Its a Mother's day I will never forget!  Saturday I just did not feel like myself.  I was extremely tired (more tired than usual)!  I fell asleep when Nick was out playing with Nathan and woke up an hour later.  It was Nathan's nap time and I ended up falling back asleep.  That's when i knew something was up and even Nick asked, "Is everything alright?"  That's when I looked at the calender, I was suppose to start my monthly already ( I am more of a 28 day cycle than a 30 day) and the next day I would officially be late (day 30)!  So we planned to take the BIG test in the morning.

Woke up around 5am and decided to go ahead and take the pregnancy test.  I took the test and waited 3 minutes for the results.  I only had on the bathroom closet light so I wouldn't wake up Nick (since it was so early).  I only saw 1 line so I threw the test away and I went back to bed.  It was Mother's day so Nick was going to let me sleep in while he got up with Nathan.  Nathan had other plans, he wanted his mommy and wanted me badly!  He sat at the door to the bedroom and cried.  There wasn't anything Nick could do to distract him, so I got on up.  A little while later I went back to the bathroom and just to be curious I fished the test out of the trash and looked at it again.  This time if I tilted the test in the light I could see the faintest second line!  I looked at it for what seemed like forever and then I went and showed Nick.  I said, "I might be seeing things but I think I see two lines!"  He looked at it too and he saw the second line as well.  I think I was a little more freaked out than he was.  I did not know what to think, was the test wrong or am I pregnant!  Everything was telling me that I was but my mind did not want to believe it just yet.  After church we went and purchased another test to test again in the morning.  Mean while Nathan was having a really off day!  From the crying first thing in the morning to not letting us sit down and eat at the restaurant for lunch.  Nick and I ate in shifts!  We got home and later while eating a snack he throws up while sitting in my lap.  In my head I'm screaming, "oh my what have Nick and I done!"  "What have we set ourselves up for?"  I was having some serious discussions going on with God in my head.  For that brief time I was thinking to myself, "Am I really ready for the challenge of having another child so soon?"  I prayed to God that night that he could ease my anxiety and that I know if we are indeed pregnant that it was such a sweet blessing from him!  I thanked God right on the spot for the possible chance of carrying another sweet baby!

So the next morning it was indeed confirmed that Nick and I were blessed with our 4th pregnancy!  I was put on progesterone again (just like with Nathan) just to be on the safe side.  We are ALL excited, nervous, scared and hopeful that come January we will have another little Finch join the Nest!!! So far so good with my check-ups! Prayers are always welcomed :)  This little Finch has sure made his/her presence known in this house so far! As tiny as he/she is they have made a major impact on how mommy's day goes! Although I have not actually been sick, I am nauseated majority of the day! Makes the day really miserable. Not only am I battling that but this pregnancy wipes me out. Within hours of waking I need a nap, luckily Nathan still takes 2 naps a day most days. I couldn't function without them. I'm always so anxious until I make it to 12 weeks! Mostly for the risk of miscarriage but also relief from all the crazy pregnancy symptoms that are so awful in the beginning!   I am a few days shy of 12 weeks and I just feel in my heart that everything is fine with the baby!  I even think I've felt little butterflies a few times.  So sweet to think of this little bitty baby jumping around!

Here's Nathan's little brother/sister at 7 weeks! 

The doctor said the baby has a lot of room to grow right now because my uterus hadn't shrunk all the way back down to its original size! I still don't think it has sunk in completely that we will be parents to a new baby! It did not sink in with Nathan until we held him in our arms for the first time! Maybe we will adjust to the possibility a lot sooner with this child :)

Mother's Day with my four children!  One in my arms, two in my heart and the other safe and sound growing in my belly!

12 months, NO way!!!

Nathan,

How in the world are you a one year old today?  It can't be possible.  It feels like just yesterday we were holding our little 7lb 13oz newborn!  This has been an amazing year for ALL of us.  We never knew what we were missing until you came into our world!  Now we can't imagine life without you!   

We have taught you so much but I think you have taught us SO much more.  Your mommy and daddy did not know we could love someone SO much!  We have learned through you that God's timing is ALWAYS perfect.  Even though we wanted a baby in our life so much sooner, God knew that we needed to wait just for you!  We have learned that we don't always see the good in things immediately but to give it time and God will show you!  You are the good that we see in ALL the heartbreaks that we experienced before you were created.  Your name is Nathan and it means "gift from God" only God could give us a gift SO special! 

This past month you have grown up so much.  You hit a little growth spurt this month and even your face looks more mature.  You decided that you no longer want to be a baby you want to be a big boy and big boys use sippy cups! No more bottles because "thats for babies!"  Baby you finally decided to give your crib a try and you love it!  Mommy finally gets to hold you in her arms and rock you at night before bed time.  It such a sweet moment that we get to have everynight.  Mommy rocks you, reads to you and even sings to you before laying you down in the crib!  Your favorite song is "Jesus loves me!"



Some lyrics that make me think of you.....

I was waiting for so long
For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong
Hold on and don't shed a tear

Through the darkness and good times
I knew I'd make it through
And the world thought I had it all
But I was waiting for you
A new day has come
Where it was dark now there's light
Where there was pain now there's joy
Where there was weakness, I found my strength
All in the eyes of a boy

I can't believe
I've been touched by an angel with love

We pray that you will learn that a life without Jesus is NO life at all no matter if the world tells you otherwise.  We pray that you will stay true to God and to yourself.  We pray that you will keep that quirky little personality (a small version of your daddy's).  Keep smiling, laughing and never stop playing no matter how old you get.  Life is not worth living if you never have fun!  Always follow what God is leading you to do!  We also pray that this next year will not go by so quick!

We love you big boy,
Mommy and Daddy

Nathan's Birth-day

January 13, 2011

Only 7 % of women actually deliver on their due date and only about 8% percent of women have their water break on it's own.  Believe it or not both of those happened to me.   My water broke and I had Nathan on his due date!  I guess I am one of the lucky few.  Maybe I should start playing the lottery, lol.

I kept saying over and over that Nathan did not want to be born, well I never knew how true those words were. We had a very long and difficult birth, but the important thing is God took care of us and we are both healthy and strong. I tried writing this after settling in with Nathan at home, but everything I wrote just did not feel right. After a year of reflection I feel that I finally capture the right words to describe what has forever changed my world and my heart! Maybe a certain little one's birthday might have had something to do with why I was finally able to put into words about how he came into this world.

On January 12 at 2:15pm as soon as I sat down on the toilet, my water broke! In less than a minute I went through a lot of different emotions. First denial, "did my water really just break." Second, how lucky was I to be on the toilet when it happened, no clean up! Third, "ready or not now this means I have a baby on the way." And lastly I need to call Nick, and do I tell him to come on home or wait. I texted Nick, and told him and of course he was happy but at the same time worried. I told him not to rush home because I was fine and my contractions hadn't yet started.

I instantly went into, "Get ready mode."  I very hurriedly straightened up the house.  I then took a shower and shaved my legs, who wants hairy legs during their delivery! Its crazy now thinking back at the things I did right after going into labor.  I must have looked like a wild woman running around. 

Nick finally got home the earliest he has ever been, lol. My contractions still had not started. So I finally decided to call my doula (Marisa- my life saver) and told her the good news. She was a little concerned that I did not automatically start having contractions. She told me to immediately go and walk.  We drove to church because it was too cold to walk outside.  Around 6:00 after walking over an hour and a half I finally started to feel the first contractions.  There is no feeling like, knowing your body is naturally pushing on your baby for delivery.  Excitement, anxious and endurance kicked in.  I had adrenaline that I did not know was possible.  I knew I was in good hands with Nick by my side.  He was ready to help me in any way possible.  We were ready for this journey we waited SO long for.

By 8:00 that night I called Marisa and told her that I was ready for her to come over.  My contractions were a lot stronger and I needed some help to alleviate the pain.  I tried everything to help with each contraction.  I could not sit down, lay down, or squat. All I could do was walk!  I know I must have walked miles in little circles in our living room.  After a contraction I would use a hot rice sock to ease my back pain and I would finally get to sit for a few minutes to gear up for the next one.  Finally after midnight we made the decision to go on to the hospital.  I was very nervous about the 25 minute ride to the hospital.  Not being able to walk through a contraction was almost too much to bare.  It was a lot easier than I anticipated.  I was really looking forward to finding out how much I had dilated and that got me through the car ride along with my amazing husband.

We got checked in and sent up to the delivery room.  My nurse was a little upset that we waited so long to come in after my water broke.  I was hooked up to the monitor to check Nathan's heartbeat and they checked my dilation.  I was a little disappointed that I had only dilated 4 cm but was happy to have a number to go on.  If anything it pepped me up a little and made me more determined to do what I could do to hurry things along.  The nurses we perfectly fine with us walking around.  So that's what we did.  We walked and walked the hallways.  We walked by the nursery but the blinds were closed so we did not get to see any babies.

Three hours later they wanted to check my progress again before the Doctors shifts changed.  We were shocked that I had not dilated anymore, I was still at 4 cm.  The doctor on duty decided that it would be best to help me along by giving me pitocin to speed things up.  For some reason my body was not responding to the contractions like it should have.  The doctor was also worried about Nathan, his heart rate was fluctuating and they wanted to keep me hooked up to the monitor.  I also had to wear an oxygen mask because they were worried about Nathan's levels.  I talked to Marisa and she said that in her opinion that it would be in my best interest to go ahead and get an epidural.  That pitocin makes contractions a lot stronger and the doctors would not let me walk around anymore. So at 4 am I got my epidural and after 10 (yes 10) hours of walking I just had to lay in bed. At this point its been 14 hours since my water broke.

I remember laying there with the worst neck pain.  After all the build up of stress, excitement and adrenaline I had no way of releasing it.  I was told that I would probably have Nathan in a few hours around 9am.  I remember 9am coming and going, then I was told a different time and then that also came and went.  I was checked again around 11am by Dr. Collins and after being told that I was at 8cm he determined that Nathan was in fact face up instead of face down.  They think that's why my delivery was taking so long even after pitocin was administered.  So in order to get Nathan positioned correctly Dr. Collins pushed Nathan back up in hopes that he would settle back down in the right position.  The nurses also laid the bed back so it felt like all the blood was rushing to my head.  I also had to lay on my side and switch back and forth.  I told them I would do whatever it took for Nathan's sake! 

I know that Marisa was picked by God to be by my side. I needed her to be there to fight for me and to have the experience and knowledge that we needed to help us make the right choices for us. But mainly just to pray for me and Nathan!  There was more going on that I was not told about.  Nick and Marisa did not let me know that Dr. Collins wanted me to have a C-Section.  Marisa would talk with the nurses and Doctor in the hallway and plead with them to just give me a chance.  That as long as Nathan and I were still healthy to please let me deliver Nathan on my own.

I got to the point where I thought that I was never going to have this baby.  I even stopped asking what time did they think I would have him.  At this point it did not matter.  I wouldn't say I gave up, but I guess I just felt restless.  Finally I was checked again at 1:00 pm and the said that I could go ahead and start pushing.  Nathan of course was not quite low enough but they thought that pushing would help.  Again the adrenaline rush came back.  I pushed with ALL my might not even sure I was doing it right!  I was so determined to deliver my baby the way I planned.  Nick helped in many different ways from holding my hand, to holding my leg and just really encouraging me.  I remember holding on to Nick's hoodie, but somewhere along the way Nick said I started choking him.  I'm not sure about that but I will post a picture and you can be the judge.  Marissa was fantastic and the nurses were great too.  The atmosphere was perfect, I had the right people there in that room that I needed. 

After two hours of pushing Marissa told me to look up and keep my eyes open.  Me, being so out of it and focused that I asked her, "what for" she said, "so you can see Nathan being born!"  Although I had to have some assistance (vacuum) at 3:05pm I finally pushed my last push and saw the most beautiful baby!  My sweet Nathan finally arrived and was absolutely breathtaking!  Like I said before there was a lot of things I did not know.  Nathan was not breathing immediately.  Nick did not even get to cut the cord, the doctor hurriedly cut it and handed Nathan to the nurses.  I remember Nick standing there praying for our baby, praying that he would cry!  They quickly suctioned his nose and mouth and put an oxygen mask on him.  It felt like an eternity but we finally heard his first cry within a couple of minutes.  God answered Nick's prayer!

They cleaned Nathan and wrapped him up and I finally got to hold my son for the first time.  The moment Nick and I dreamed and prayed about for so long finally came true.  After 25 hours of labor it still did not seem real.  I just remember holding Nathan and staring into those big beautiful blue eyes and the amazing thing, Nathan was staring back at me.  He knew who I was and knew I was there and I would keep him safe.  He didn't even cry!  The nurses only let me hold him for a few minutes before they took him back to monitor him since he had such a difficult time. 

A family completely in LOVE!!!

They kept Nathan for five hours to monitor his breathing and they finally brought him to me.  Nathan was pretty banged up from being turned the wrong way.  His lip was swollen, he had a few cuts and bruises on his face and head.  The worst spot was on his head from the vacuum but after a few days he was completely healed.  Our little miracle baby was finally in our arms for keeps!!!