December 16, 2009, Nick and I were so excited to go and have our first ultrasound of our second pregnancy. We never in a million years thought that appointment would end the way it did. We went in and found out that the baby who had been developing normally did not have a heartbeat.
We still have that ultrasound picture up in our living room. Perfect little baby that started to develop little arms and legs. It really is the cutest ultrasound picture I've seen. So hard to believe that the baby was no longer alive. The picture is the only thing I have that represents the life I once had in me. I don't have anything for the first pregnancy we lost, which breaks my heart.
I was dreading going to work today, as I knew losing our baby would be on my mind all day long. I try really hard to cover up how I feel for the sake of others. God is so amazing, we got snow today and so no school for me!!! Now I can take the proper time and go through the emotions without interruption.
I do have something to celebrate, today I am 36 weeks!!!! It is so hard to believe in just a few short weeks Nick and I will have a baby to bring home and take care of. I'm not scared about the delivery, that's going to happen whether I know what I'm doing or not. I am worried about raising the baby. Its not going to be just me and Nick anymore. We went out to eat last night and it hit me, soon it will no longer be just me and Nick, but us with a baby. How in the world are we going to do it. I told him we better enjoy the last dinners out with just us. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to have a baby to carry with us, its just not going to be as easy. Nick and i are not planners, we just get up and go, with a baby we are going to have to make sure its on the baby's time. Has Nathan been feed, changed, and in the mood to venture out. I know that its going to take awhile to figure out how Nathan is going to be, and after that things will get easier.
Last night I also dreamed about Nathan. Its only the second time I've dreamed about him. My first dream was that Nathan was going to have red hair. The fuuny thing is, that's all the dream was about. I never saw his face, never heard him cry, just that he had red hair. Last night was a really weird dream. First Nick and I were home from the hospital, but I don't remember delivering Nathan. I don't even remember seeing him. Nick was telling me all about it and it hit me, where is Nathan? That's when we heard a knock on our bedroom door and someone dropped off Nathan. I have no idea where he was prior to this moment. Then I started to cry because it had been days since I delivered him and I knew I never got a chance to breastfeed him. So most of my dream involved me trying to get him interested in breastfeeding. I did get a really good look at him, the problem was Nathan looked like a 5 month old baby instead of a little bitty newborn. Not only that but he was already smiling and laughing. I had some other really weird things happen but I won't get into those. Even though I know its was just a dream, I loved every bit of it as weird as it was. I actually dreamed about my baby and I woke up perfectly content. Especially with today weighing so heavily on me. God knew what I needed. I just hope I can have many more dreams the weeks left of my pregnancy of our sweet baby boy.
Yesterday we had a really good checkup. Talked to the nurse about our birth plan. Our first goal is to not have a C-Section, second goal is to not use any pain medication. In order to help us accomplish this we have hired a Doula. She is a delivery coach, she has different techniques to help ease the pain. Looking forward to working with her and hoping and praying that God will see us through.
Like at every appointment they check the baby's heartbeat, well Nathan is one funny little boy. I have told many that he is very shy, that whenever I'm in a crowd he "hides" (where he hides is a question I would loved to be answered). Not many people have been able to actually feel him move or kick, Nick included. The nurse was asking how often do I feel the baby. I was in the middle of telling her he does not like to be messed with. Nathan was positioned so that his heart was on my right side, well when she started messing with him, he wiggled his way to my left side to get away from her. It was so funny and cute. He is going to be traumatized when he enters this world. No more hiding places and people are going to be constantly touching him. He is one perfectly content baby inside of me. I'm not sure he is going to want to be born, we might have an overdue baby on our hands, lol.
I'm now in the short weeks, I am now scheduled to start going to the doctor ever week now. I am geting really excited about meeting this baby that I have carried for going on 9 months. Mommy and daddy already love you more than you will ever know!!!
