Oh Great, SHE found out

Needless to say Nick and I wanted to keep the news of our pregnancy a secret until we knew the risk of miscarriage went down. Yes, there were some that we hated we could not share our news with, because they are the ones we are closest too, and the ones we knew who would be the happiest about this pregnancy. When Nick and I started to tell family, and friends the first question asked is, "well, are y'all telling everybody." Nick and I answer this, "well yes, but there is only ONE person we do not want to find out." You might be thinking what is Nick and Shannon's problem, who would they have a problem with. We knew SHE would find out eventually, but the longer the better for my pregnancy. I don't need any extra outside stress, this pregnancy is already stressful enough. One thing I purposely left out in my blog about my second miscarriage is the behind the scenes drama that was taking place. I am writing this tonight because if you guessed it, yes SHE found out. I was visiting with my mom tonight and came home to a present on my doorstep from this particular PERSON. It was a bag of diapers and a case of lotions and shampoo, etc. You might think, well that was really nice of them, but if you knew this person you would know that it was HER way of telling us that SHE knew. It was a spiteful gift and you will find out why we believe this.

I will keep this persons identity a secret, only because it will only make things worse on me and Nick if we told HER name. I will say she is someone that should have been a little more encouraging and compassionate during our emotional time of losing our second child. I will begin to explain the extra grief this women put us through, during an already grief stricken time in out lives.

Let me tell you again about the day and days following after we found out we would be losing our second baby. Nick and I went into our first ultrasound, not thinking anything bad would come of it. Within seconds of the ultrasound, we knew something was wrong. The ultrasound tech told us the baby no longer had a heartbeat. Your mind can not properly grasp that. I'm thinking first, she is wrong, second, oh well just give it a couple more days and the heart will start back. I could not understand that no heartbeat would mean another miscarriage. After talking with the doctor about my desire NOT to have a D&C that I wanted to wait and let my body miscarry naturally, we finally got to leave to go home and pick up the pieces of our shattered heart.

We called the necessary people and told them the news and of course word got out, which we were thankful for, we did not have to tell everyone ourselves. We got home and updated our facebook status with song lyrics that represented how we were feeling that night. Of course the ones that knew, replied that they loved us, were sorry and were praying for us as well. Something you would expect from the ones who love and care about you. Nick and I made indications about the upcoming miscarriage. The next two days Nick and I trying to go through the flow of emotions posted scripture referencing things like miracles and faith and hope. We were not silent in our desire for God to save our baby and to gives us that miracle. The faith we have in God, gives us the hope that yes God can do anything. I believe in the miracles told in the Bible, if God wanted too, he could make our baby's heart start beating again. That's when this woman started her attack. On Nick's post he wrote the verse Mark 10:27, Jesus looked at them and said, "with man it is impossible but not with God. For all things are possible with God." Nick ended with, still praying for a miracle. This Lady responded, "a miracle would be nice and it is true that it is not impossible with God. God could give your baby life, but I cannot help but ask: Why should you get your baby back when millions of other people don't? Women have their babies literally ripped from their bodies while they scream bloody murder and then they are left to bleed and die. They don't get any condolences, prayer, or any kind of expression of sympathy whatsoever. They believe in God just as much as you, if not more. They didn't do anything to bring it on themselves as some "church" people say. Perhaps you should count yourselves fortunate. Be thankful this is all God has done in this area." I wish the story ended there, but SHE was just getting started. She had an agenda and it was to make Nick and I completely miserable. She was waiting for the perfect opportunity to say things to us that she has waited years to say. I guess she thought oh, well they are already going through so much, now sounds like a perfect time to me to unlease my hatred on them. Needless to say, we have tried our best not to have any contact with this women, easier said then done. It is not healthy nor wise or Biblical for us to put ourselves in a situation to be attacked over and over. Nick and I might not have gotten our miracle from God with saving our baby, but we pray that God would use is powers to heal this women.

Doctors appointment

Got to hear the baby's heartbeat again this afternoon. Still beating strong at around the 150's. Nick and I are so excited, we are really starting to have talks about this baby. Thinking about the future we pray everyday to have with this child. I'm beginning to think about the kind of Mom I want to be, and imagining how great Nick is going to be as a Dad. Although we know our life is never going to be the same (no more sleeping in) we know its for the better. we are happy to make the necessary sacrifices for this child.

Not that it matters either way, we get to find out the gender of the baby in 4 weeks. Then on to painting the baby's room, and looking for those cute little outfits that we can't live without. Can't wait!!!

This past week has for the most part been a good week. Best I have felt since finding out we were expecting. We got a chance to go to the beach for a couple of days and mainly just relax. I did get sick one night out of the blue, because I had felt great prior too. The last day at the beach it was just too hot to be out on the beach, luckily where we stayed, we had a pool!!! God has blessed so much more than what we deserve and I have a feeling things are only going to get better.

I've already started to show a little bit, but it just mainly looks like I have a chubby belly. Will need to go shopping for some clothes soon, Nick should have fun with that.

We've made it to 12 weeks!!!!!

We have made it to 12 weeks!!! I never thought we would get this far. Praise God, I really don't need to say anymore. Only God has made this possible. I pray He continues to give us (baby & mommy) the care we need. I pray that God will raise me and Nick up to be the Godly parents we need to be for this child.

You know you are 12 weeks pregnant when......

1. You think, has it only been 12 weeks and how many more weeks do I have
2. You cry over the stupidest things on TV
3. Even though no one knows your pregnant, you think everyone is looking at your stomach
4. Your clothes are no longer fitting properly and yet you are too small for maternity clothes and you think what am I suppose to do about this.
5. You are already having a tough time sleeping
6. You are having "Hot Flashes"
7. You are hungry, but you don't want anything to eat (nausea)
8. You almost throw-up everytime you brush your teeth, and they stress how important dental care is during pregnancy.
9. You get headaches even when The Husband isn't around :)

Want to wish my mommmy a very Happy Birthday today, I love you!!!!

160+ Strong

Went back to NASH-OBGYN today to see if we can hear the Baby's heartbeat using the Doppler. It was a success, although it took the Doctor a few minutes to actually find the heartbeat. She said the heart rate was in the 160's which is great. So the baby is still doing good, but mommy (me) is not doing good at all. I went to my regular doctor yesterday because I knew I was getting a sinus infection, what I did not know is I also developed ulcers on my throat. Talk about pain. I can't eat, drink, or even breathe without being in constant pain. The Doctor gave me an antibiotic for the sinus infection, but could not give me anything for the ulcers.

When I went to my appointment today I felt worse, so the doctor checked me out to make sure I was not developing pneumonia. She said my lungs sounded clear but gave me a stronger antibiotic to make sure pneumonia did not developed. That's scary. I told her do whatever so I can feel better, and make sure the baby will be ok as well. Feeling more nauseated and I've been getting a lot of headaches as well. But other than that all is well. THANK GOD!!!

What a night!!!!

So far this pregnancy has been pretty good. I can't complain too much. I thought taking the extra Progesterone pills was going to make my pregnancy symptoms more prominent, but so far it has not. Yesterday made exactly 10 weeks, and Nick and I are so excited to have made it this far in the pregnancy. We are counting down the days til 12 weeks, once you get to twelve weeks the chances for a miscarriage drop significantly.

Last night, I started dreaming that I was throwing-up which is very weird, I guess it was one of those crazy pregnancy dreams. The problem though was when I woke up at 3:00 am in the morning and felt like I was going to throw-up. I tried to lay down on my stomach hoping that would make me feel better, but it made it worse. I got up and ran to the bathroom, and had to make a quick decision,, do I throw-up in the toilet or the bathtub. I choose the bathtub, the thought of sticking my head on the toilet was enough to make me throw-up more. Sure enough as soon as I got to the tub, I immediately started throwing-up. If you know me, you know that I absolutely HATE throwing-up and it always makes me cry. I did not handle the situation as graceful as I wanted. I was so loud, it woke Nick up, he did not know what was going on. I think I freaked him out a little bit. I threw-up at least four times back to back, til there was nothing left to throw-up.

All the stomach acid that came up left my throat on fire. After all the excitement was over Nick went back to bed and I went to eat a pack of crackers. I learned my lesson, next time before I go to bed, I'm going to make sure I'm not hungry. It was completely my fault, because I should have known not to go to bed on an empty stomach. My baby let me know very quickly that they were not happy with me for not eating enough before bed.

Other than being extremely tired all the time, this pregnancy has been very good. I've been able to hide it from everybody. Hopefully in two weeks, we will get to tell everybody. Thanking God for His many blessing and for a easy pregnancy so far.

This week I celebrated another Birthday. I'm happy that God has allowed me another year on this Earth, but it was a little bittersweet for me. I never thought I would be celebrating my 26Th Birthday not being a mother. I know I have a baby on the way, but losing two babies already, I should have been celebrating a baby that would have been turning 1 in June as well. My second baby, I should be 7 1/2 months pregnant this month. Its hard to celebrate, when you look and see everything that you should have with you, but was robbed the chance to have that joy. I'm not bitter about losing my two babies, I just see the void and its hard to get overly joyful about holidays and birthdays, though I am thankful for everyone God has given me. I know its complicated.

I'm so thankful to have such an amazing husband that gets me. One that would get up at 3 in the morning and watch their wife puke her brains out. He definitely makes things easier and can always make a joke when I need a laugh. I love him and I know I count on him in any situation.

9 week Ultrasound

So Nick and I went to the ultrasound we were dreading. We have prayed vigorously about this particular appointment. We had our Pastor pray for us. And the weirdest incident was when one of Nick's coworkers came by and asked Nick if she could pray for him. He of course said yes, and this lady began praying for Nick and his wife and for their unborn baby. Nick and I have not told anyone except our Pastor. The lady said the Holy Spirit told her to stop by and pray for us. She asked the Lord to be with our child and allow the baby to grow to full-term. It brought chills to my arm and it made me cry. God does answer prayers and allows the Holy Spirit to guide you, you just have to willing to follow. I want to personally thank this women for her boldness and for her desire to please the Lord.

Our ultrasound was a success!!!! The baby is measuring right on target and most importantly the baby heart is beating at an amazing 178 BPM!!!! I could not believe it. I was in such a joyful mood, when I went to the bathroom, I forgot to pee in the cup. I felt so stupid, but could not help but laugh at myself. So I had to wait until I had to go again, which thankfully being pregnant that is not very long. I will go in two weeks to hear the heartbeat on a Doppler, just another precaution that Nick and I will definitely do. Why not, another chance to hear that joyful sound of your child's heart beating. Nick and I are slowly taking our wall down around our hearts. We were for the first time able to be happy about this pregnancy. We made it the furthest we have ever been in any of our pregnancies. With God in control, we know we are in good hands.

Now on to announcing this wonderful news of our baby, we are still going to wait til the 12 weeks, just the make sure. We might go ahead and tell our parents, but have not made that decision quite yet.

My Second Baby

So, today starts my 8th week of pregnancy. Which is exciting and terrifying at the same time. Nick and I finally decided that we wanted to start our family officially this time in July, 2009. Every month I would hope and pray that my cycle would not come. It took 3 months of trying for us to conceive. That pregnancy test was so exciting. Like I said in my first pregnancy I never took a pregnancy test. We were so happy. I remember that day at work I know I was smiling all day long. We immediately made an appointment with my doctor to verify what we already knew was true. My doctor was so happy as well, I will never forget what she said, "It's so nice to finally give the news of a baby to a well deserving couple. A couple that is going to love and raise a child like they are suppose too."

We got home and decided we would go ahead and tell our parents about the baby. So Nick and I went to Hallmark to pick out a keepsake item for our Moms. We settle on a little frame that said, "Ga-ga is for Grandma." Very cute. We then went to Target to pick out a pregnancy journal to document our day-to-day pregnancy. Then it was off to my mom and dad's. It was so funny, giving my mom the frame she immediately started crying and hugging me. That left my dad confused and asking Nick what was going on. If you know my dad, that does not surprise you. We left my moms and went to Nick's mom's house to tell her, she was so happy and hugged us both. We told Nick's dad the next day. I was a little reserved wanting to tell people, just because of our first lost. But Nick and I were a still a little naive about the chances of having another miscarriage.

We waited to make an appointment with my OB doctor. I did not know where to start in picking the doctor that would see us through the next 9 months. I had so many people recommend Nash OBGYN and so that's where we went. We went for the history appointment and they scheduled us our first ultrasound the following week. I had just a drop of spotting a few days before our appointment. I stayed home from work that day, just to make sure I took it easy. I don't even think I had any cramping. Everything went away and I did not think anything else about it. On December 16, 2009 I was 8 1/2 weeks pregnant when we went to our first ultrasound. Nick and I were so excited to be able to see our baby and maybe even hear the heartbeat. It never occurred to us that there would be something wrong. With-in seconds of the ultrasound Nick and I knew something was not right. The nurse was acting strange and then she just started telling us she was sorry over and over. She said, "I know you don't want to hear this, but your baby does not have a heartbeat." I immediately started crying and she continued to show us things that further proved that the baby stopped developing. I just could not believe the perfect looking baby on the screen was no longer alive. The baby was just as still and what little Nick and I knew of ultrasounds, our baby should have been moving. The doctor came in ( I will not tell his name just because of the many errors he made with my miscarriage) and confirmed what the nurse had told us. They left us so we could get ourselves together to speak with the doctor in his office. We had to WAIT forever. I wanted to leave immediately and instead of getting to us quick and letting us leave, they made us wait forever. We were the very last people to leave the office.

I know Doctors see this kind of situation often, but a little compassion would have been nice. The Doctor immediately started talking options, when Nick and I were not even sure the ultrasound was accurate. We were so devastated and still had hope that it was all wrong. Nick and I also believe in an all powerful God that can make anything happen. If God wanted to He could start our Baby's heart beating again. That was our prayer, that the Doctor was wrong or for God to give us a miracle.

The Doctor wanted me to have a D&C because the Baby showed no sign of miscarrying on its own. I absolutely was not going to have a D&C. I know that it would not be an abortion if I allowed the doctor to do it, but its the same surgery they do for an abortion. I could not allow myself to go through the same process they do during an abortion. Also, God gave me this Baby in His time and I wanted God to take this Baby in His time. I know this Doctor was getting annoyed by us. Well he sent us home to think about everything. I was still not convinced that the Baby was gone. I wanted to have another ultrasound in a week just to make sure. The Doctor suggested they do blood work instead to see if my levels were dropping. So I went back twice to check my levels and it did show that my levels were decreasing. I still was not satisfied, if they wanted me to do something to make the miscarriage happen faster they were going to have to give me another ultrasound. The Doctor acted like I could not have one. He gave me excuse after excuse. From it cost too much, and when we said we did not care if we had to pay out of pocket. Then he said all ultrasounds were booked up. Nick finally stepped in and demanded we get an ultrasound. So we finally got another ultrasound and it again showed the same thing. The baby was the same size it was a week earlier and there was no heartbeat. The second ultrasound was not as hard to deal with, just because it was just to make 100% sure the baby was no longer alive.

We went to talk to the doctor again and I told him I was still not going to have a D&C, but I asked was there something else I could do to speed up the miscarriage. He gave my a couple of pills that would induce labor. He told me to take the pills before I went to bed, so I could sleep through the what he like to call "cramps." Nick was leaving to go to "Winterfest" with our Youth Group the next day and so on December 29 I took those pills immediately so everything could be over with before he left to go out of state. I love a mans idea of what a cramp is, those were not cramps, those were contractions. It took about three hours for the pain to really kick-in and before the night was over, I wanted it all to end. After all the pain and things I don't even want to describe was over, I told Nick I did not think the baby came out. But everything stopped hurting and everything seemed to be fine.

Nick got up the next day after one on the worst nights either one of us had ever experience, to leave me for three days. I never knew how much I needed Nick and how much I was going to miss him, until he walked out the door. If Christmas wasn't all ready bad enough, knowing your baby is not longer alive, imagine spending New Year's all alone for the first time. That was one of my worst nights I had ever had. I was all alone, grieving the lost of my second baby and to my surprise I started cramping again around midnight. I thought it was just a side effect after all the trauma my body had been through the last couple of days. I slept with a heating pad all night, took some medicine and nothing was stopping the pain. I knew Nick was traveling home the next day, so I did not want to call him and make him worry, so I did not tell him. I called Nick about an hour before he was going to be home, I was crying and in a lot of pain. I told Nick I thought I was going to have to go the Emergency Room. I told him the pain was just as bad as the other night, and I knew that I did not fully miscarried the first time. I begged him to hurry up and get home. I thought I was going to have to drive myself to the hospital, but to be honest I don't think I would have made it, the pain had me where I could not even talk, much less drive 25 miles to get to the hospital.

I called the after hours line to NASH-OBGYN and the doctor on call called me in some pain medicine and he agreed that he did not think the miscarried happened the first night. He told me to try to stick it out and not go the ER because he felt I could handle this on my own. I wish My first doctor would have given me some pain medicine, that would have been too nice. When Nick got home, he just couldn't believe it was happening again. The second time, I had lost all my patience and I did not handle it good at all. I was so angry. Angry that I lost another baby, angry that I was going through all this pain all over again, angry at my idiot doctor for not being more specific in what I was going to experience with this miscarriage. By the end of the night, I officially had my miscarriage. What a great way to start off a New Year.

The Doctor did not tell me to come in the next day after everything was over instead we were schedule to come in about a week later. I told the doctor I know at least 3 times that I was RH negative and Nick is RH positive, and because of that I would have to get a shot to protect any future pregnancies. With the baby most likely having a different blood factor than me, my body would treat it as a foreign object and attack any future pregnancies, if I did not get the shot in less than two days from losing the baby. So when I came in a week later I asked him about the shot, and he said I was too late. The shot would not do me any good now. Nick and I were now to the point where we were fed up with this Doctor. I let him know that I told him many times that I needed to get that shot, and his response was he forgot. Then he wanted to make it out like it wasn't a big deal that the chances of my blood and the baby's blood mixing was very low. I told him that was something I should not even have to worry about for my next pregnancy. Like my pregnancies are not already stressful enough, he gave me something else to have to worry about. Needless to say that was the last time I will ever go to him for anything. I was ready to leave this clinic, but I wanted the manager to be aware of this Doctor. I did not want someone else to go through the same mistakes he made on us. I talked to the office manager on the phone and she handled things the way I thought the situation should be handled. I told her I was looking somewhere else to go, and she said to give them one more try. She recommended this very intelligent, sweet Doctor, that (though she is not a specialist) knows alot about doing testing on women who frequently miscarried. We met with her and she was great from the start. She talked to us, and answered every question we had with compassion. She went ahead and tested me to make sure my body had not built up antibodies that would attack the next pregnancy and thankfully I tested negative. The first Doctor did not even know you could test to see if antibodies had started forming. She did alot more blood work that would test for general things that usually make a women miscarry unfortunately I tested negative for everything. Which means other than guessing they have no real answer to why I keep losing my babies. Like I said before they believe I have low progesterone and my body can't sustain a pregnancy. I am extremely happy with my new doctor, and by God's grace, she will be the one who delivers this baby and any other future babies Nick and I will have. Continue to pray for us and for our baby.