Over the hump!!!

Felt like now would be a good time to write about how this pregnancy has been so far. While writing this I am one day shy of 21 weeks. It's hard to comprehend the fact that half of my pregnancy has come and gone. I will have this little boy in my arms in less than 4 months. As excited as we are, we are now trying to grasp the fact that we will be parents. Nick and I have been through so much in the last almost 2 years its like we are waiting for something else bad to happen (well at least I am). It’s hard to get overly excited about the upcoming birth of our baby, because I can't see myself that far in the future. We have gotten excited before only to have two miscarriages back to back.

Our hope is that we can afford for me to be a stay-at-home mom. Most people probably take this opportunity for granted, but we have a different perspective on how precious a baby is. I can’t imagine leaving my baby 5 days a week for someone else to care for and missing all those precious first memories. It would break my heart to come pick up my child and hear someone else say, “He said his first word today.” If I’m not able to be the one to stay will our baby, I hope my mom would be the one who would watch my baby while I work.

While we are trying to work out all the details, I feel like I’m kind of getting “cold feet” about the whole full-time mom. Work (career) is all I’ve even known. I use to babysit and clean houses when I was 12 or 13 and then got my first real job at Hardees as the biscuit maker, when I was 14. I worked all through high school and college. I have only been without a job for maybe 6 months in all those years. I was raised to have good work ethics and put my all into whatever I was doing whether I liked the job or not. I finally have a job that I can see myself doing until I retire and it scares me to leave it.

Nashville Elementary is my home away from home. And although I do get frustrated sometimes, I feel like I make a difference most days. I have some close relationships with many of my co-workers. Many of them don’t even know how much they have helped me get through all the heart ache of losing our two precious babies. I feel like God sent me to Nashville, because he knew I would need the support I got from my co-workers, many who have gone through their own heart aches of losing their children.

After losing our second baby, all I wanted to do was quit working. I hated every morning I had to get up and go to work and put on a happy face and pretend everything was alright. Nick told me over and over that I could stop working if that’s what I needed to do. I’m glad I stuck with it, because I do think it helped me cope with everything. Gave my mind something else to think about and helped me not to slip into a depression. Which is what I think I was very close to happening?

I know if I am able to stay home, that is what I need to do. It is what I want to do. It’s just so much is changing and to be honest I am scared to death of all the changes. I mean its one thing to have your first baby, and not having much experience with newborns. It’s another to give up a part of your life that you are sure of and know what to expect. Sorry this post is kind of a downer. I did not mean for everything to sound so negative. I am truly happy and would not trade any of this for the world. I just need some extra prayers to help ease my mind of all the changes Nick and I are about to face. Ready or not here we come!!!!